One of the questions I often ask people when we begin a coaching programme together is surprisingly simple…
“Tell me about yourself.”
Most people answer by telling me about their career, their responsibilities and what they’ve achieved. And understandably so. They’ve spent years building those things!
But then I ask something different.
“We’ve talked about what you do. Now, who are you?”
And that’s typically when the conversation changes…
There’s often a pause. Sometimes a nervous laugh. And frequently a comment along the lines of, “I’ve never really thought about that before.”
It’s interesting to me how easily we can describe what we do, yet how much harder it can be to describe who we are…
When Our Work Is Our Identity
Our work gives us more than a way to earn a living.
It can give us purpose, connection, satisfaction and confidence. We develop expertise, build relationships and become known for what we contribute.
Over time, those things naturally become part of how we see ourselves.
For some of us, being successful, capable or dependable becomes especially important. We take pride in being the person who delivers, knows the answer or can always be relied upon.
And when something goes wrong, it can feel personal. We might move quite quickly from “That didn’t go well” to “Am I any good at this?”
When our confidence rises and falls with our results, we can feel under pressure to keep proving ourselves. It becomes harder to switch off after a disappointing day, try something unfamiliar or admit we’re struggling.
And when a bigger change comes along, such as redundancy, a new role or a shift in the expertise our work requires, we can find ourselves questioning who we are.
More Than The Role We Play
I often think about (and share) Ash Barty’s decision to retire from professional tennis in 2022, while she was ranked world number one.
From the outside, she appeared to have every reason to keep going. Yet she made a different choice.
What I find fascinating is how her decision illustrates the difference between having an extraordinary career and making that career the whole of who you are.
Tennis was an extraordinary part of her life. But it wasn’t the entirety of who she was.
And I think her story raises an interesting question for the rest of us…
Can we value what we’ve achieved, take pride in what we do, and still recognise that our identity is bigger than any one role or result?
Because most of us won’t face a decision as visible as retiring from professional sport.
But we will all face moments when a role changes or ends, and we have to work out what matters to us beyond it.
Who Are You Becoming
This is one of the parts of coaching I enjoy most.
Once we’ve explored what someone does, we spend time understanding who they are today and who they want to become.
Not just what do you want to achieve, or what position do you want to hold.
But who do you want to be?
Having a clearer sense of the qualities we want to practise gives us something more steady to return to.
For someone who wants to be a brave leader, that might mean sharing a perspective they would usually keep to themselves. Giving feedback they’ve been avoiding. Or being willing to ask for help.
Each is an opportunity to practise becoming the person they want to be.
And each gives them something to recognise in themselves, even when their outcome or result is uncertain.
And that can change our relationship with confidence too.
A disappointing result doesn’t have to delete all the qualities we value in ourselves. Just like, a difficult day doesn’t have to define who we are.
Of course, none of this happens simply because we decide it should.
It takes awareness, practise, reflection and sometimes the willingness to behave differently from what people have come to expect of us.
But it gives us something meaningful to work towards, regardless of what happens around us.
Most of us begin the day thinking about what we need to do.
The meetings to attend. The decisions to make. The problems to solve. The outcomes we’re hoping to achieve.
But perhaps there’s another question worth asking at the start of the day…
Who do I want to be while I’m doing all of that?
Maybe it’s someone who listens more carefully, speaks with greater courage, shows patience under pressure or makes room for others.
So, who do you want to be today?
